Anorak

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” 
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
 The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” 
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
 The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” 
Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The programmer said, “Look I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s different.”

Stuffed

There was once an aspiring vet who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a plate on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy—Either way, you get your dog back!”

Cautionary Tale

The Reverend Gus Norton woke up one Sunday morning and realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early Spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. 
As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. 
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?”
The Lord sighed and said, “No, I guess not”. Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole It was a 420 yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?"

Whoops!!

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.  
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. 
Then, climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 10 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.  Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain. Saluting smartly, he said, “Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?”
The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistrake!!"