Dear Old Michaelian's,

 Since I last wrote to you there has been another successful Old Michaelian reunion weekend at Old Hunstanton, more of which you can read about, and see pictures of, elsewhere in this newsletter.  The Christmas Festivities were enjoyable, but I am always just a little disappointed when another one passes without snow.  Also, of course, there has been the millennium and all that entailed.  Months, or even years in some cases, were spent identifying what could go wrong, what might fail, and planning what to do if such eventualities materialised. In the end the most successful outcome seems to have been the celebrations!  Overall, both businesswise and socially, the outcome seems to have been a good result for the "Five P's", Perfect Planning Prevents poor Performance.

 To date The OMA committee has had their first of two meetings.  I always feel that they are like mini reunions, as we all seem to enjoy ourselves even when there are only half a dozen of us together. At this point I should like to thank our retiring Secretary, Anne Gunner, for the many years of service she has given to the OMA unfortunately work commitments prevent her from continuing on the committee.  Thank you Anne.  0ur second meeting, as last year, will be held at the Le Strange Arms Hotel, Old Hunstanton.  I don't think anyone stays overnight but we are there on Sunday 9th July and if you would like to pop in for a natter we would be pleased to see you.

 As usual I urge you all to note the date of the 2000 reunion and ask to make that little extra effort to attend in October.  You can't knock it if you haven't tried it!

 In closing I wish you all a good summer and the very best of health.

  Yours

  Robert (Bob) Hill

So......been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt
and now for the main part of the weekend’s festivities.....THE DINNER.

After going our various ways to titivate ourselves, best frocks, white tie and tails etc. we reassembled at 7.30 for a white wine reception or we would have done if ****** had ordered it!! however that little problem was soon sorted thanks to the efficiency of the Le Strange Staff and the evening was underway.

We were seated by 8.00 with only a little quiet shifting of place names and we were treated to a delicious meal, quite up to the usual standard, which was eaten amid much banter and hilarity.  After the meal, it was the turn of our guest speaker, Simon, who was in fine form as he recounted anecdotes and memories of his Father and of Betty in days of yore.

Bob then gave a résumé of the last year, welcoming everybody and thanking his committee and the organisers of the weekend for their hard work A toast was drunk “To absent Friends” remembering especially Betty Jewson. So to John Wally’s quiz. It had some hard questions (definition of a hard question? one to which you don’t know the answer!) but eventually when the scores were added up two tables were tied and a tie-break question was put. The eventual winners were, of course, the most erudite of the Old Michaelian’s present. Modesty, however,  forbids me to say which table that was but the prize of a “Walkman” each was well received by  all of us who were sitting on that table!!!  The Raffle was then drawn and the prizes were distributed to...well mainly to Maggie Balshaw who, seemingly, could do no wrong winning 6 prizes in all.

Then chat and memories and recollections and gossip and finally......So To Bed.

Sunday dawned bright, clear and windy and a good number of us reconvened at 11.00 am at our Spiritual Home, St. Michael’s Church, Ingoldisthorpe for Eucharist celebrated by Roger Wikeley with Ben Gunner seated at the organ. After a peaceful Service we rounded off the weekend’s proceedings with refreshments at Ingoldisthorpe Village Hall and after a weekend of fun, frivolity, jest, banter, bon mots, quips, witticisms and just a hint of seriousness we departed for home.

If you missed it, you missed a treat.

Autumn Edition Prize Crossword
and the winner was....................
well nobody actually because not one single entry was received Was it too hard? Was the prize money not enough? Could you not be bothered?
Just think, You would have won if you had sent in that entry!!


A very proud moment for the Headmaster but do you remember where this photograph was hung certainly during all my years at St Michael's

part of an article by Pam King which appeared in
 “Portrait of a village” published in 1993

.....after WW2 the Rectory building became St. Michael’s School, the Headmaster of which was the Rev Roger Pott. Every year we are visited by a steady stream of ex-pupils (now approaching middle age) who return with their families to relive the memories of their schooldays. They tell me that my daughter’s bedroom was the chemistry lab and my sitting room was the sixth form classroom. Under the floorboards I found postcards, old letters and a penknife or two all of which belonged to boys who had been here in the 1960s. Their names are penciled too, up in the attic by the dormer windows... no doubt it had been a great adventure to steal up there among the rafters, perhaps for an illicit cigarette..........

A FEW DAYS IN VIETNAM

     I have always wanted to visit Vietnam, perhaps because of all those pictures of Saigon, Da Nang, and Hanoi which we viewed so often on our televisions during the 1960’s and 1970’s. So in November we booked a small package tour, which turned out to be 10 pleasant Brits in a 15 seater coach.

     We arrived in Saigon or Ho Chi Minh city as it is officially known, to be met by our guide who was the son of a former senior member of the South Vietnam military. As a result he had done 7 years in a re-education camp and his father had been away 15 years but had returned only to go “missing” again possibly out of the country to look for work, but this was not clear as he had not re-contacted his family.

     First impressions of Saigon City was of a bustling town with few vehicles but with a seething mass of people on cycles. Around the outskirts were many small businesses of every description where everything required is made or cannibalised and reworked. Everyone appears to be at work. Also life generally is on the streets. The cafes spill all over the pavement with customers squatting on very low plastic stools shoveling food into their mouths with young children playing amongst them. We found everyone almost without exception extremely friendly and pleased in many cases to talk English which was reassuring after all the battles they have had with the French, Japanese and Americans in the last few years. The hotels in which we stayed were of a good standard and the staff helpful. Clearly the country has accepted tourism and its financial rewards. Obviously it is early days and the disadvantages of mass tourism have not yet set in.

     Saigon and Hanoi have some splendid French buildings. The Post Office, the former Presidential palace and Notre Dame Cathedral are on well laid out wide streets which makes the centre of Saigon a pleasant place to visit. The Chinese market in China town is an enormous building on two floors where anything can be bought. Having spent an interesting half an hour here we were glad to get away due to the mass of people and the heat.

     We were taken to the Mekong Delta where we enjoyed a boat trip and lunch on Lotus island, all the time taking pictures of the mass of river traffic bringing their goods to market on their motorised sampans.  From the amount of food on display you would never starve in Vietnam.  We also visited a plantation growing tropical fruits and a bonsai garden. Next day we visited the Cao Dai temple at Tay Ninh which was built between 1933 and 1955. This is home to the relatively new indigenous religion of Caodaism. The religion is intended to create an ideal religion fusing the philosophies of East and West. It encompasses Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam and Vietnamese spiritism. The temple is similar to Westminster Abbey only in that it has twin towers at the West end but apart from this it is in rococo style with extravagant modern construction. Internally it is superb with marble flooring and highly coloured decoration.  We were encouraged to attend the 12 o”” clock service where the large congregation is all dressed in white with men on one side and women on the other. An impressive spectacle.

     As a total contrast we were taken to the Cu Chi tunnels to experience how the Viet Cong lived underground during the war with America. I found these fascinating as they were only large enough to accommodate the locals, whereas a European has difficulty entering the genuine tunnels because of their small size. The tunnels run for miles with their entry and exit points accessed, by way of small trapdoors disguised under bushes and trees, at regular intervals. How the troops carried arms and ammunition as well as food was clearly quite an achievement, and they lived underground for months at a time.

     We next left by air for Da Nang which has a large port and the remains of the former U S military area much of which remains military and part of which has been converted into an industrial park. We visited a museum devoted to the Cham dynasty. The Chams were the original inhabitants of Vietnam. We then climbed Water Mountain to explore the cave pagodas and to view the nearby China beach where the Americans first landed their troops in March 1965. If it had not been raining we might have spent a couple of hours sunbathing on the beach, but that was not to be. Instead we drove on to the ancient town of Hoi An. Hoi An was one of South East Asia’s international ports during the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries, and apparently parts of the town look exactly as they did more than a century ago. The highlight was Tan Ky house which was built two centuries ago for a well off Vietnamese merchant. It has been restored to its original glory, showing evidence of Japanese and Chinese styles on local architecture. The present owner and his family have lived here for six generations. There were the usual temples and shops where behind the scene were the workers labouring on Lacquer, painting pictures on papyrus, woodcarvers and tailors making dresses and tee shirts.  Some of the employees appeared quite young and worked a fairly long day, but morale seemed high. As a result everything was very cheap, tee-shirts for example just a couple of pounds. This was an interesting town with a village type atmosphere, but with a variety of interesting things to visit which I will not bore you with now.

     Next day we left for Hue which has traditionally been Vietnam’s cultural, educational, and religious centre. We arrived via the Pass of Clouds which had been a high narrow track through the mountains until the Americans arrived and practically rebuilt the road in order to allow their large vehicles to negotiate the sharp bends. Having used the pass in the morning we later found that due to the heavy rains part of the road had been washed away. Having arrived in our riverside hotel which had been well built by the French and was of a good 4 star rating we realised how high the river water was, and as a result there were no boat trips. But having seen Hue and its location we would certainly be tempted back during better weather. We then immersed ourselves visiting the Imperial Citadel and the Mausoleums of Tu Duc and Khai Dinh. Much of the town had been destroyed during the war but international money is now apparently available for its reconstruction and what remained was worth visiting.

     Next morning we flew to Hanoi (HaNoi) the capital of Vietnam where a new airport terminal is being built, and then to an excellent large new hotel which had been financed and built by the Singaporeans with splendid views over the Hoan Kiem lake. Again the city has many fine French buildings and French is widely spoken. Talking to one of the locals he apologised for his poor English by explaining that he had been brought up to speak French, but when the Russians had influence in the country Russian had been taught in the schools and so it is only in the last few years that he had been learning English.  

     For the visitor the two main highlights of Hanoi is the visit to Ho Chi Minh’s Mausoleum, and the temple of literature. Both are giant concrete structures both built by the Russians at obviously fast cost.  The Mausoleum houses Ho Chi Minh’s body in a sarcophagus deep in the centre of this structure for nine months of the year, for the other three, the corpse goes to Russia for re-embalming. On entering the building the smartly dressed guards are stationed every 5 yards or so all the way up the stairway through which you walk in single file and in silence which gives an eerily authoritarian aspect to the spectacle.  Dress for visitors is strictly controlled for the purposes of decorum.  In the same grounds is the Presidential Palace built in 1906, and Ho Chi Minh’s house which is built of the finest wooden materials in 1958 and as is to be expected kept in immaculate condition. The Temple of Literature covers the life and achievements of Ho Chi Minh and some of the history of Vietnam.

     Other visits from Hanoi included a trip to the ethnic villages of the Muong and Dao ethnic minorities who live in the forests North of Hanoi and who retain their own customs and way of life. Finally we were taken via Haiphong which is the main port in the north and which got a pounding during the war, to Halong Bay a UNESCO World Heritage site, where we had a half days boat trip with lunch, which was purchased from the fishermen in the bay as we cruised through the islands, stopping at two of them to visit the caves. Back in Hanoi we had half a days shopping and the things to buy were lacquer work in particular, silk, and clothing .

     Our doubts before undertaking this trip proved to be unfounded As it was an organised trip with guide there were no problems with the arrangements for the trip. The surprises were the good hotels and especially the food which was excellent. The local airline was up to a good international standard, so we were unlikely to fall out of the sky, which cannot be said for some countries. Above all was the attitude of the people who without exception were pleasant and helpful in hotels and shops and in the streets.

     Some of you may think that this article is not particularly relevant to the OMA magazine but for those who may be looking for somewhere different to holiday or for those OMA/Australians who make stopovers in Singapore and fancy an adventure, Vietnam may make a pleasant diversion.                                                                                                                      

John King 

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings

The following statements about the Bible were
written by children and have not been retouched
or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling and grammar)

 In the first book of the Bible, Guinenesis, God got tired of creating The world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.  The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slaved the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.  Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Genitol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.  When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.  Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.  St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Whatever was the name of the young lady who lived a few hundred yards from Gresham House?  She, as a favour to the “young gentleman” on whom she was keen at the time, would enswathe her body at her window at around 7.30 in the morning. Could this be why it was that a small army of heavy mac and wellington boot clad “friends” would accompany this favoured beau on his way to breakfast at the Shooting Lodge?

There were balmy sunny weekends to counter the wet and cold ones of the N.W.Norfolk coast. Do you remember the old Lido swimming pool next to the Kit-Kat Club? Sadly neither are there now, but what a brilliant pool it was on a hot Sunday afternoon to bask our white bodies in the sun and see what goodies the girl’s boarding house were hiding in their bathing costumes.

Anon

Who was it that used to update fireworks in class, at Ingoldisthorpe, first right at the top of the stairs. He sat at the back in front of the fireplace and it must have been 1958/9. He was trying out a shorter fuse to an improved banger during either a free period or evening prep. He had just lit the thing and was about to throw it in the fireplace when Roger looked through the glass door panel and came in. The boy was forced to throw the lighted banger in his desk and lean heavily on the lid. In a very few seconds there was a very loud muffled bang. The ink well took off at great speed followed by a large white mushroom of smoke from the vacated hole. The ink well hit the ceiling at great speed and bounced back to the floor leaving a big blue splodge on the plaster. The outcome goes without saying.

Geoff Kimberley  

Seen in various Church Magazines

1.  This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised in both ends.

2.  Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.

3.  Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

4.  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.

5.  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

6.  A bean super will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will  follow.

7.  The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

8.  For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9.   Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

10.  Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

11.  Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Anorak

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” 
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
 The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” 
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
 The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” 
Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The programmer said, “Look I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s different.”

 

Stuffed

There was once an aspiring vet who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a plate on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy—Either way, you get your dog back!”

Cautionary Tale

The Reverend Gus Norton woke up one Sunday morning and realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early Spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. 
As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. 
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?”
The Lord sighed and said, “No, I guess not”. Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole It was a 420 yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?"

Whoops!!

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.  
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. 
Then, climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 10 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.  Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain. Saluting smartly, he said, “Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?”
The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistrake!!"

      One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased.  We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running, we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?” The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.  And those ‘Meals on Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a shopping centre. 
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.  
The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is!” 
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an elderly old lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. 
The walls opened and the lady stepped between them into a small room. 
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. 
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. 
The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, “Son, go get your mother”.

    On a recent visit to Norfolk John King visited Anna Godfrey. He found that she was as well as could be expected and was.....absolutely delighted to see “one of her boys” although I was not strictly one of her house guests. She was frail and a little emotional, but clearly extremely alert. The Close is just opposite the Compasses pub in Snettisham.  The staff were welcoming and Anna is in very comfortable surroundings.  She sends her love to all those who know her and hopes to be able to attend the Reunion Service in October. Let us see how she is by then and whether the Staff, an SRN was in attendance, agree to this.  I said that I would visit he again in July.  John goes on to say.....As I was passing I also visited Tom Healey in Heacham who said that all being well he would be at the Reunion in October and if asked would be happy to do the intercessions at the Eucharist on Sunday.......and Pat Dove in Sutton Bridge who is well and sends greetings to all.   

    At the Committee Meeting at Bob Hill’s abode I was asked to make specific mention in “The Mitre” of the Friday night of the Reunion Weekend.  Last year seven Members arrived at the Le Strange on the Friday  evening and it was thought that if more of you, and particularly local Members, knew about this then it would be an ideal time to socialise before the main attractions of the weekend started. So any of you out there who are in the vicinity of the Le Strange Arms on Friday October 27th  take note and come and have a beer or three and a good laugh.  

    I know its a perennial moan but again this time there is a lot of “filler” items in  this august biannual. This I know doesn’t suit everyone, some, though, enjoy the padding and have said so and for this I thank you. Because of the format of “The Mitre” the pages have to be inserted in fours so I cannot put just one extra page in, consequently you either have 24 pages which seems a little meagre or the usual 28. The point I am trying to make is.... if you don’t want fillers PROVIDE COPY. You must all have stories to tell funny or poignant, sad or macabre, libelous or libationous. I would be delighted to include any or all of your cogitations and perorations, recollections and reminiscences. Put it down either in finished form or even note form, I’m sure that I can weave a story from what you send, and  let us all share those golden moments before we all become gaga, senility sets in and we cannot remember even going to St Michael’s let alone what it was we did there!!! 

    At the Committee meeting Bob asked that we try to remember and make a list of Staff-Members who were associated with the School. This came about because on a recent Radio Norfolk programme Jean Huson of Heacham mentioned that she had been for a short time a teacher in the early days of St Michael’s. This led us on to try to list other Teachers and ancillary Staff through the 20 odd year history of the School. On the next page there is a list of those we could remember. We know it’s not by any means complete so please look through it, add and  amend it as necessary and then send it to 

Bob Hill
Staff Members

 
Surname Title First Name Position From Left
Pott The Rev. Roger Headmaster 6
Adams   Walwyn Teacher  
Bone Miss.   Piano Teacher  
Browning Mrs.   Teacher  
Clackson Mrs.   Kitchen  
Clarke Mrs.      
Davis     Teacher  
Hayes-Williams Miss. Margaret Teacher 7
Hudson   Jean Teacher  
Jewson Miss. Betty Matron  
Kelly The Rev. Bill Teacher  
James   Henry    
Miller Mrs.   Cook  
Muzio The Rev. Geoffrey Teacher  
Muzio Mrs.   Teacher  
Oweis Mr. Mukhlis Pupil/Teacher  
Neach   Woolsey    
Preston   Jeff    
Richardson Mrs.   Kitchen  
Roberts Mrs.   Cook  
Rudd     PT Teacher  
Merritt   "Fingers"    
Redfern   Beatrice   3
Taylor Mr. Henry Teacher/bus driver  
Tozer     Teacher  
Tomlinson The Rev. Robert Teacher  
Tomlinson Mrs.   Teacher  
Weeks Mrs. Diana (de Boer) Teacher  
White   Michael Teacher  
Wallington   Clifford Pupil/Teacher  
Walters Mr.      
Walters Mrs.      
Wase Mrs.      

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. 
She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. 
After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. “Are you sure?”, the distraught woman asked. “He was a great family pet. Isn’t there anything else you can do?” The vet paused for a moment and said, “There is one more thing we can do.” He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. 
The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. 
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. “Well, that confirms it.” the vet announced.  “Your dog is dead.” Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, “How much do I owe you?” “That will be £330.” the vet replied. “I don’t believe it!”, screamed the woman.  “What did you do that cost £330????” “Well”, the vet replied, “It’s £30 for the office visit and £300 for the cat scan.” 

A guy goes to a pet store and ask to buy a parrot that can talk...
He said that he needs to have a guarantee that the bird can talk..
So the manager shows him this parrot and guarantees that it can talk
so the man buys the bird... 
He takes the bird home and it does not speak a word... 
He goes back to the shop and explains that the bird is not talking... 
The manager then says he needs to buy a swing for the bird then it will talk... So the man buys the swing it does not talk so he goes back to the shop... 
The manager then says he needs a perch to sit on then it will talk so the man buys the perch for the bird.. 
It still does not talk at all so he goes back to the shop and ask what he can do next... 
The manager says that the bird needs to have a ladder to climb up to the perch and it will climb up and sit down and talk then the man buys the ladder, still the bird does not speak a word goes back and demands his money back. 
He explains that he has bought everything that the store has said that he needs and wants to have all his money back but the manager guarantees that if he buys a mirror the bird will talk.. 
Since the man has tried every thing else he agrees to buy the mirror and if it does not work he will bring the bird back and get his money back... 
Next day he comes back to the store explaining that the bird is now dead it sat in his perch looking into the mirror and died... 
The manager asked him if the bird said ANYTHING before he died and the man said yes and the manager What and the man said that the bird said one word as he was falling to the floor of his cage and that one word was “FOOD”


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.” 

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication! 

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”


 A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. 

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Cardinal Secola was hoping to become the new pope, but realised it would never be, as the Catholic church would NEVER be able to have as its leader Pope Secola! (say it and you’ll see!)

During the Korean War, Syngman Rhee’s son went to work for Henry Luce of Life Magazine, but as the North Koreans came pounding down the track past Soeul, the young man got lost in all the confusion. Well, every correspondent in the Time-Life empire was sent out looking for him. After many hours of searching one of them found him. “Ah!” he exclaimed, “sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I’ve found you!”